Monday, August 22, 2016

Breaking News: Yearbook Photos Hacked

Rumors are running rife on the streets of Oviedo today after faculty yearbook photos came back from the studio with up to three extra levels of beauty enhancement added to the teachers' natural good looks.

At press time it was still unclear whether the system has been hacked by the Russians or if Seminole County Public Schools administrators themselves approved the tampering in an effort to raise faculty morale and, by extension, to meet their ultimate goal of improving test scores on Florida standards.

There is some precedence for the latter. Sources told that in 2015 and 2016, faculty were required to wear "spirit shirts" picked out by their school's fashion consultant for their yearbook photos. It was believed that this garish homogeneity would increase Team Spirit which would in turn motivate the faculty's collective effort to achieve higher test scores.

Those who refused, sources claim, were left out of the yearbook. It is rumored that many of the rejected fled to Finland, others to Canada, where they were turned back at the border by immigration officials claiming "We have enough problems already. Go back to Oviedo!"

Moments ago, several sensitive younger faculty texted Starknotes that the process "sent a hurtful message" about teachers' stereotypically plain looks and lack of fashion awareness. "I don't care if they made me look like Cindy Crawford at her peak," one texted."I feel my natural appearance has been undervalued and mocked. Also, I feel unsafe."

Keats specialists from the OHS English department argue that the pictures merely reflect the poet's assertion that beauty is truth and truth is beauty. "The photos' enhancement simply evokes the real beauty within us," said English teacher Sage Appleganger. "Beauty is in the soul, not on the surface, and it matters.The spiffed-up yearbook photos will make this more obvious to our kids and will inspire them to prepare more diligently for the FSA exams."

Long-time history teacher Secky Nipfast agrees with her English colleague. "There is no greater beauty," she told Starknotes, "than earning the coveted A-school status.That's where the beauty of true learning lies."

Finally, in a surprising move, the school honored former English teacher JW Snopes by allowing him into this year's yearbook, possibly because he was considered unfit to be in it while he was still on the staff. To help with this breaking story, the affable redneck agreed to share his before-and-after photos for a mere three cans of Skoal:

JW Snopes as he is
JW Snopes enhanced.

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