Friday, January 17, 2020

trump Gets It Right

Even though our current president cannot think, read or speak, he has finally expressed his support for a just and holy cause: Students' rights to pray in public schools.

I am not fond of trump, but I'm man enough to give credit where it is due.

I'm relieved and impressed, for example, that he has carefully researched this issue before taking a stand and speaking out.

trump apparently spent many hours in libraries and at his computer searching for solid evidence to prove that the absence of prayers suggested or written or led by teachers has resulted in a decadent age "like no other."  

What did he learn? And what did he deduce from this data? The following:

Since the 1962 Engel v. (Dick) Vitale case, there has been an exponential spike in school shootings. Therefore, if we relax the restrictions on public school prayers, the slaughtering of our children will cease, and this will take the heat off the NRA, an organization that, lubricated with a mix of gun oil and child blood, has done so much to protect our Second Amendment rights.

Praying at school will keep the kids in closer contact with the God of Love, the Ten Commandments, and all of that. No child who's read a few passages from the Good Book (the bible, not Moby Dick) as we did when I was in school, will have any desire to take an AR-15 to school and fire away at teachers and students.These kids would know almost immediately that you only kill people from other tribes.

In short, the old saying is true: "Make kids pray, and away from mass murders stay," or something like that.

Next!

According to scholarly intercourse among sociologists, teen pregnancy -- which climaxed in 1991 -- has skyrocketed since prayers were ruthlessly withdrawn from public schools. Therefore, trump deduced, if the government can penetrate the barrier erected by radical-left atheists, teen pregnancy will come to an end.

Again, my experience backs up trump's support of school prayer. You didn't see a bunch of pregnant sophomores running around campus back in the prayer days. Oh no! Most of us didn't know where to put things during sex. Those who knew might occasionally create a pregnancy, but if so the girl knew to disappear, maybe forever. The guy could stay. Stud!

Oh, and due to prayer in school we loved the Lord so much we wouldn't dare do nasty stuff. We had the decency to stifle our urges, at least when we were with people.

trump's hours in the library taught him that 8 per cent of all high school students in America now report being gay, lesbian or bisexual. The numbers were nowhere near that high before prayer in school went the way of dinosaurs! In fact, there were probably only 8 kids in the whole damn country with the guts to report such things. 

Therefore, there'll be fewer gays, lesbians and bisexuals if we bring back prayers to the classroom. Kids, like the ones in the good old days, will acquiesce to the genitalia God gave them before they even entered the womb by way of consensual maritally sanctioned sexual intercourse, esp. if "acquiesce" means "regardless of my urges, I'll only have sex with whatever I'm not."

Yes, in the golden pre-prayer-removal age, "peculiar" kids knew to keep it to themselves, force themselves to enjoy a straight relationship, marry a straight person, and hang in there and pray that someday it would be okay to love the one you loved. Or they could commit suicide, as many of them did.

Studies also show that since that devastating ruling in 1962, students' language has become woefully obscene. Before praying was banned, for example, only boys said "fuck," and only in an appropriate context, such as telling a dirty joke or describing what you would do to "that girl" if you had the chance. Boys would never say "fuck" in the company of females.

If trump succeeds in loosening the Great Prayer Ban (GPB), kids may well stop saying "fuck" at all, even when they grow up. It's possible that "fucking" will disappear completely from people's list of favorite hobbies, replaced by "making love" or, at its worst, "screwing."

When the anti-prayer sanctions are relaxed, those Ring Around the Flag Prayer Circles will no longer be necessary. Some days it's too cold or hot to pray outside. Also, in those circles -- what with the hand holding -- you're way more likely to ignite a flu outbreak, but maybe you could pray your way out of it. Lots of people use prayer instead flu vaccinations anyway. What could possibly go wrong?
The American Flag: The heart of all Christianity
Finally, I support trump's support of prayer in school because it is born out of his own experience. Yes, trump was in high school in those days and thus a product of this daily spiritual ritual. This helps explain his love of Our Savior Christ; of evangelicals; and of criminals, prisoners, outcasts, scam artists, dictators, liars, racists, traitors and female porn stars.

Those days of prayers made him who he is, our leader and our hope, and a model for our children.

So I'm on your side, donald. Bring back the prayers, and hurry. 

And pray, children, pray. Please pray. And pray hard and often. 

Ask the Dear Lord to make him go away, ask Him to welcome trump into His loving arms until, after a nanosecond spent sniffing out the stench from his putrid rotting soul, he releases this fiendish monster to plummet into a pit crowded with friends of his ilk. 

And if your teacher gives you time enough, go ahead and toss McConnell into the mix.