Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Fear Not: He Is Come

When it became apparent that "_" (his name is too holy to write out) was our President Elect, lo!, many of our brethren and cistern panicked. There continue to be reports of despair, shock, depression, deep grief, paralysis, shame, embarrassment, fear, outrage, incredulity, denial, dread, and anxiety.

This should not be the case. You are just too close to history to read it clearly. You're missing some of the signs. I'm here to help.
I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
You can relax knowing that "_" received huge support from a group who call themselves "evangelicals," a branch of Christianity that is traditionally zealous and anxious to convert pagans. The evangelicals supported "_" because he was more a person of faith than the Methodist Hillary Clinton. 

We know this because he said so himself, and we have not caught him in a lie yet.

So we can only expect good things.

For one thing, "_" might actually be a kind of Messiah, because, according to many, many evangelicals, Barack Obama was the Anti-Christ, and the shoddy way he and his unruly family conducted themselves during their tenure in the White House is good evidence for that. 

How many times did we read in the mainstream media about his rebellious daughters selling meth to their classmates, TP'ing the Washington Memorial, spray painting American Indian warpaint on Mount Rushmore's faces, how many times pulled over for driving under the influence? 
A father's love

Next, you must remember that back when "_" was just another American citizen like you, he remembered Jesus' admonition to "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's" (Matthew 22:21). Scholarly commentators will tell you that here Jesus is saying that there are two worlds, so to speak, to which we owe allegiance, and we are bound to both of them.

"_" is a billionaire, and he must have contributed mightily to a nation that supports its military, schools, fire fighters, and law enforcement as well as assisting its poor, through its taxes. Sure, we have no proof of this since he never released his taxes and probably never will, but still, since he is a Christian, I'm sure he gave and gave generously.

Jesus also told his followers that they are to sell all they have and give it to the poor (Luke 18:22). Interestingly, he said this to a "rich young ruler" -- like our new President Elect! I'm pretty sure "_" has done this, and I expect it's one of the reasons he is so enormously (now called "bigly") popular among Christian Republicans. 

This sort of generosity -- making sure the least of these our children are fed and clothed, even at the risk of aiding some who don't need it -- is now and has long been part of the Republican platform. With "_" in office, we can only expect that sense of charity to expand.

Many people on Twitter and Facebook have expressed fears that "_" is a racist, a misogynist, and a homophobe, and gains made by these groups in the past few years will now be erased. My social media friends, have no fear: Jesus always had an open table. He invited everyone. No voter ID required, no allegiance, no litmus test. "I want to have a banquet," he said. "Join me." 

As an ardent, zealous follower of Jesus, our new President Elect is not likely to stray from that tradition. "Come to my table," he will say. "Mexicans, Muslims, blacks, LBGTs, women (granted, he prefers 10s), those who are in some way impaired or have special needs." 

While he may, in the second or third course of the meal, briefly ridicule the latter, it will all be in good fun.

Jesus asks us to "turn the other cheek," and "_" has done this many times, even when he felt threatened by fellow Republicans such as Lyin' Ted Cruz, Little Marco Rubio and Low Energy Jeb Bush. When "_" is insulted or tested in any way, he is quick to forgive and get on with what matters.

Finally, let me make clear that all evangelicals did not support our new President Elect, and as a result they may well find themselves in the place of much "wailing and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 13:42).

Okay, really finally: Some of you have been offended by "_"'s nasty, filthy, tasteless, hateful, adolescent, offensive language. But there must be some mistake.

I grew up around people who considered themselves evangelicals. If I had come home from school one day and told my parents that since I was popular, I could walk up to any girl and grab her by the pussy and move on her like a bitch; and told her that my teacher could go fuck herself, or if I said a woman was bleeding out her whatever, I would have had the pure living shit beat out of me, because, by God, spare the rod and spoil the child! (Proverbs 13:24).

So evangelicals would never stand for such filth -- I mean, they don't even like the fact that two people of the same sex might love each other so much they want to have sex and/or get married!

I'm telling you, dear friends, our new President Elect is a Christian, and thus he is loving, caring, full of human kindness. Don't just rush to judgment based just on how he acts and what he says. And so what if he has an occasional moral collapse? Remember what the bumper sticker says: "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."

Relax, my friends. All will be well.

Fear not. He is come.

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