Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Howard Meets His Idol: The Wind in the Stairway

Howard Desseray and Tally Dolcet were furiously rubbing the source of his greatest pleasure, i.e., they were applying Turtle Wax Hard-Shell Finisher to his 1965 Buick Rivera.

"This reminds me of something," Howard said.

"Same here," replied a breathless Tally. "What does it remind you of?"

"That I never told you about seeing my idol, the Master Abductor Jedidiah Einsatzgruppe, when I attended the National Abduction Conference."

"Well, let's hear it."
Riviera's classic hidden headlights

"It turns out he stayed at the same motel as I did, the new Townsville Super 8. I was coming downstairs for my free continental breakfast -- a cellophane-wrapped bran muffin and scorched coffee with hazelnut creamer -- and about halfway down, I noticed he was just preparing to come upstairs.

"His left foot was on the bottom step of the staircase, but he was pensively gazing up at the lobby's fluorescent lights, pondering, I supposed, the true meaning of freedom, if free will even exists or is it a trick played on us by the mischievous juice in the brain, and maybe ruminating on Kant's categorical imperative as it relates to the smaller members of the rodent family.

"With his thinning snow-white -- hoary, if you will -- hair, his rimless glasses, jowls slightly drooping with age, the ill-fitting gray suit, he resembled a paragon of Wisdom, frozen there in time, one hand on the rail, one foot on the step, yes, he might well have been a statue of Bertrand Russell or St. Francis of the Sissies, lacking only a chipmunk on his shoulder."

"That's impressive. But I don't get how waxing your Riviera reminds you of it."

"It's not the waxing, so much as it is how the Riviera sounds when it's idling, you know, that rumbling thud-thud-thud-thud, sort of like distant thunder, but more rhythmic. Just before Master Abductor Einsatzgruppe's eyes met mine, his expression changed almost imperceptibly, his body tilted just a centimeter to the left, and he released a right considerable volume of pent up gas from his nether exit that sounded so much like the old Buick it made me a little homesick.

"Luckily, I was able to retreat quickly enough to avoid his seeing me. God knows, sometimes a guy like that needs nothing more than to fart with impunity, if you'll pardon my language."

"That's okay. I've heard the word 'impunity' before, and it doesn't mean what it sounds like. Sure was really thoughtful of you not to de-dignify the venerable abductor."

Howard shrugged off the compliment and continued to buff his Buick with a circular motion. "Nah," he said, "I guess that's just the way I was brought up. So what does waxing the Riviera remind you of?"

"Probably better to save my story for another day," Tally replied. "Not a big deal, anyway. Sure can't top your Einsatzgruppe tale."


  1. I'm speechless as I breathlessly try to regain my composure! Lordie, this is funny stuff. :-)