Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Vote for Me

My fellow Americans, I am running for Office.

Below, I have provided a partial list of things I promise do if I am elected. If my promises seem too good to be true or if you feel that I'm overreaching or that I could never accomplish such things in a world inhabited by Republicans, then you are unclear about the Office I'm running for, and I suggest you do your research.

Just trust me. I will do these things. Once I know I've earned your trust, I will provide further, even more impressive promises.

If I am elected, members of the Legislative Branch will work for the current federal minimum wage and pay for their health insurance as if they were one of their constituents. Furthermore, it will be a felony to begin a sentence with "This is no time to politicize." 

Furthermore, any member of the Legislative Branch who offers thoughts and prayers to families who have lost loved ones due to that Branch's greed and incompetence will have the tooth of his/her choice removed without anesthesia by a plumber nearing retirement and will have to watch in its entirety the film version of Heaven Is for Real.  

If I am elected, there will only be one attack ad in the primaries, probably. Why? Because the first candidate who dares depict an opponent in grainy black and white still shots accompanied by ominous background music or who digs up some crusty, faded, dubious piece of smut dating back to when the targeted candidate was still doing no more drugs than the rest of his/her constituency; or when the aggressor in any fashion makes mean-spirited comments about his/her fellow party member(s), he/she will be removed from the race.

Furthermore, if the smut turns out to be false, that candidate must work the rest of his/her career as a roofer in Florida during the summer.

If I am elected, Rick Scott must send a personal note to every Floridian he thinks might possibly still support him, informing that potential voter that he, Rick Scott, was once in the Navy, and from the day these notes are mailed, he must never wear his goddang Navy cap again.
He must've been in the Navy

Should he violate this order, he can only wear Navy caps that have been rubbed all over a colony of feral cats suffering from ringworm.

If I am elected, citizens of Oviedo will continue to be free to sell their property, but the buyers will not be allowed to touch any of the trees on said property. The buyers may build whatever they please, including yet another dental office, but they must squeeze it in among the natural homes of songbirds, squirrels, owls, hawks, tree frogs, moss, gray rat snakes, etc.

If I am elected, Sarah Huckabee Sanders must undergo a rigorous series of polygraph tests, and if the results indicate she has knowingly told the American people even a single lie, she will be carted off to a prison so foul it will make the one in Orange Is the New Black look like my Southern Baptist grandmother's sewing circle, minus the snuff.

If I am elected, the nice people who put on those seemingly weekly wonderful Oviedo-in-the-Park festivals, the music of which rattles the windows of all houses within at least a two-mile radius, usually during Jeopardy, must play only the early works of Leonard Cohen. And no covers! Only the ones Cohen sings himself. 
Only Leonard, no one else

If I am elected, whoever decided to put those damn speakers around the pretension pond at Oviedo in the Park must personally, on a steamy summer afternoon, dig up every stinking one of them so that humans may walk around that body of water without being reminded that any sort of electrically fabricated jangle may pass for music and that every living human must be subjected to its clamorous, cacophonous, uh, clamorosity!

For now, I will say goodbye. I will not say "God Bless America," because if I am elected, I will outlaw that bit of bromide in the first hour, but bring it back in a flash as soon we prove there is a god, one who doesn't mind being called God, and even then I will add a qualification after "America," something like, "if You don't mind" or "if You can find the time" or "as long as You bless all the other countries, too."

My staff of volunteers are working on it. Or is working on it. If I'm elected, it will be legal to use either "is" or "are" in that construction.

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